TV chefs dish up heaven hell
April 1st, 2008, 4:42 am Teen Hobbies
Both shows are about cooking.But watching them simultaneously creates two experiences that are as different as driving a unicycle through an inferno and floating in a pool of fragrant rose petals.Let’s begin with the fourth season premiere of Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, Citytv, 9 tonight). Fifteen brash contestants are vying for a coveted $250,000 (U.S.) job as executive chef at a new Los Angeles restaurant owned by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.To win, they must possess a discerning palate, demonstrate poise under hellish conditions and be able to withstand the excoriating, (bleep)-filled wrath of Chef Ramsay.The contestants are asked to prepare their %26signature dish.%26 Ramsay lifts the silver lid from the first plate he will sample: a jerk-seared Chilean sea bass with rum-raisin risotto that was prepared by Craig.Is Craig a gifted cook? Tough to say, really, since the towering, white cylindrical hat he wears to compensate for his 5-foot-5 stature is beyond distracting.Seriously, he could be balancing a steam turbine atop his head and nobody would know!%26That’s a pile of (bleep)!%26 growls Ramsay, after one fishy bite. %26You come down to my kitchen again with a ridiculous hat on like that, I’ll stick it into your (bleep) sideways!%26Alrighty, then.Feeling agitated, I turn my attention to French Food at Home (Food Network, 6 tonight), in which host Laura Calder shares exquisite recipes with serenity, flair and sensuality. To start tonight’s second season, Laura bakes a walnut cake. Between the jaunty score and the macro cinematography, she coos things like: %26I’m adding a quarter cup of sugar to the egg whites. When you add sugar, they look so nice because they get nice and glossy.%26I lean back and pretend my peanut butter sandwich is actually a slice of walnut cake and that Laura and I are shopping for baguettes in a quaint Parisian market. Alas, the daydream is soon detonated as Chef Ramsay inspects Matt’s %26exotic tartare.%26 Ramsay says the ingredients aloud, almost with disbelief: %26Raw venison, raw quail egg, lime zest, olive oil, scallops, caviar and grated white chocolate?%26He swallows one bite. And promptly hurls.Feeling queasy, I retreat to Laura’s soothing embrace, just in time to hear about her Miracle Boule: %26Just cover the bread with a tea towel and set it in a nice warm place and let it rise.%26 Now she’s preparing a bread soup made from duck fat and chicken stock: %26I can tell a big bowl of this will just make your stomach feel very happy.%26I am happy, Laura. You make me very happy. But now I must leave you because, good heavens, Chef Ramsay is about to try Petrozza’s signature dish, the ghastly %26Hen in a Pumpkin.%26%26Oh (bleep) me,%26 snarls Ramsay. %26What in the (bleep)?%26Petrozza cuts into the pumpkin and a gooey poultry stew oozes out of the charred orb. If there is a less appetizing dish in the free world, I have not seen it. Nor has Ramsay: %26Right now, looking at that mess, I’d like to stick your (bleep) head in there!%26Laura, help! What’s next after the Pain Perdu with cherry sauce? A Pan Bagnat (picnic sandwich)?%26It’s delicious, all those fresh flavours in there,%26 she says. %26And the bread just joins forces with it, it’s like they’re not separate beings, it’s all one.%26Delightful! With a heavy heart, I return to Hell’s Kitchen just as Ramsay appears to be having a massive coronary during the inaugural dinner service.%26Bobby, I’m looking for someone to take control of this disgusting, embarrassing mess!%26 he shouts. %26He doesn’t give a (bleep)! He’s dreaming! He’s standing there pissing his pants looking for his tartare and caviar white chocolate crap! And he’s just running around like a toilet brush! IS ANYONE GOING TO TAKE CONTROL?%26Laura, let’s run away together.vmenon@thestar.ca
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